I can remember the very day. I walked out the doctors office that afternoon on November 21, 2005, changed, scared and defiant.
I drank myself into oblivion once I heard the news. The test I so counted on to allow me to get laid as I pleased finally came back Positive. I was shocked and called a friend, whom said to me "Well, you play, you pay" and hung up the phone. That was the last time we spoke. That very sentence changed the way I have viewed myself ever since. He was right, I was just in denial, and held a resentment. Hence my continued drinking career. At the same time, my boss, whom had taught me so much in the skills of Leather crafting was diagnosed with a Brain Tumour. He was 35 yo, never smoked, didnt drink much and lived his life to the fullest, with love, devotion to his partner of many years.
I witnessed his friends flock from near and far to offer support, kindness, and willingness to offer whatever he needed to go through what was to be a very long year and a half of surgeries, hospitalizations, chemo treatments and so much more.
During my first couple of weeks with my new reality, I called upon as many contactable partners I had had any sort of whoring around with. It was critical that these men get tested. My intentions were met with fiery anger, denial, blame, and general hate. It takes 2 to create this situation, it does not manifest all on its own. It was clear that all of these men were afraid. They blamed me. I had no choice but to be honest with them despite the pain I received in return.
I kept celibate for the next year. I was mortified and disgusted, and felt completely filthy. And why? I spent so many hours of my life engaging in being so with complete abandon.
My focus at the time, was naturally keen on every whisp of the words AIDS when discussed on the news, and the things I was hearing were truly terrifying.
Displays like this were seen at various funerals of men whom gay, had passed away from AIDS.
I drank myself into oblivion once I heard the news. The test I so counted on to allow me to get laid as I pleased finally came back Positive. I was shocked and called a friend, whom said to me "Well, you play, you pay" and hung up the phone. That was the last time we spoke. That very sentence changed the way I have viewed myself ever since. He was right, I was just in denial, and held a resentment. Hence my continued drinking career. At the same time, my boss, whom had taught me so much in the skills of Leather crafting was diagnosed with a Brain Tumour. He was 35 yo, never smoked, didnt drink much and lived his life to the fullest, with love, devotion to his partner of many years.
I witnessed his friends flock from near and far to offer support, kindness, and willingness to offer whatever he needed to go through what was to be a very long year and a half of surgeries, hospitalizations, chemo treatments and so much more.
During my first couple of weeks with my new reality, I called upon as many contactable partners I had had any sort of whoring around with. It was critical that these men get tested. My intentions were met with fiery anger, denial, blame, and general hate. It takes 2 to create this situation, it does not manifest all on its own. It was clear that all of these men were afraid. They blamed me. I had no choice but to be honest with them despite the pain I received in return.
I kept celibate for the next year. I was mortified and disgusted, and felt completely filthy. And why? I spent so many hours of my life engaging in being so with complete abandon.
My focus at the time, was naturally keen on every whisp of the words AIDS when discussed on the news, and the things I was hearing were truly terrifying.
Displays like this were seen at various funerals of men whom gay, had passed away from AIDS.
No one wanted to admit to being Positive at least in my circle. Someone gave it to me, and I never wondered who. It wasnt going to change the permanence of my new pair of eyes moving forward.
I use the illustration of one condition as Cancer and the other as HIV+ just so we can clearly see the Stigma.
My goal of this new blog is to describe all the nuances of this condition, from start to daily living. It wont be educational. Thats boring. It will be emotional, spiritual to some degree, and honest.
I will chronicle my journey from that very first day to current days, detailing the challenges of treatment here in Connecticut, the social impact, my personal losses, and gains. My hope is two fold. One is purely selfish, I need to grow. The second is to expose this in its entirety and loosen the grip of fear that so many have in regards to this manageable condition.
